to be or not to be a jerk

i want to make a note of this, because i think it forms an excellent illustration and case study for two major kinds of approaches to feminism (and, really, humanity): the jerky lemme-celebrate-my-privilege, step-on-your-toe-and-demand-that-you-like-it approach vs the basically empathetic, thoughtful, i-will-try-to-be-a-decent-human-being (even though admittedly nobody's perfect) approach.

for the latter, see: "On Cis Supremacy, Feminism and Feministe" @feministe

for the former: "Teabag me" & "Ann Coulter really is a cunt, people" @bitchphd

the feministe post is self-explanatory. the bitch ph.d. fiasco can be summarized as follows: the blogger thinks she's telling a joke; it's actually hate speech towards trans people; in the comments, she immediately gets called on it; she's clearly surprised by the number of complaints she receives (though she admits she knew it would offend, she apparently believes the dignity of trans people is not worth taking into consideration and that trans people and their allies won't speak up); then in the face of people's expressions of hurt and anger she offers a nauseous condescending and self-aggrandizing non-apology, alongside some truly hateful and/or flip responses she gives in the comments (when she deigns to answer at all: the vast majority of people who try to explain to her what was wrong with that "joke" are simply ignored, she doesn't really engage anyone who offers a critical opinion). and none of the feelings of the people involved move or sway her, because, it seems, she must hold on to the illusion that she did nothing wrong, that in fact she was being ironic, that people just didn't understand her subtlety, edginess, and wit, little though they realize it. she says she's not interested in humorless "pc" nonsense and can't be bothered to take people seriously when they say they're offended (on the other hand, she takes it quite seriously and is quite incensed that people are calling her boyfriend, who sent her that assholish bigoted joke, an asshole and a bigot). and then instead of writing a further post to address all of this in a straightforward, thoughtful manner, she stubbornly holds on to her "i'll never admit i was wrong or make ammends" position, and stays silent. to top it all off, when she does write, it's to make an obituary for bea arthur all about how her own version of feminism, while of course dedicated to deconstructing binary gender roles is also very nuanced and complicated so that "there's 'mannish' and then there's 'mannish'" (and presumably transphobia and then transphobia), and "hopefully, [...] an attentive audience can discern (however dimly) facets and reflections rather than simple blacks and whites"; also, in a later post: she's decided the only subject on which people are allowed to "tell her what to do" is gardening (because, again, the whole fiasco was about her pride being hurt): the utter jerktitude just boggles the mind. really. and the deluded arrogance. especially given that with the issue of transphobia, this, and this, and this, and this, and this , and this, and this is the context we're dealing with!

i think it should be obvious that, no, you are not entitled to make jokes that dehumanize people - least of all when it's a group of people that's habitually marginalized and dehumanized in the culture at large and a group that you're not a part of. no, you are not edgy, or subversive, or funny in any way if you do make such jokes, even if you are quite convinced that you are. what you "really intended," what you think is amusing and edgy, and your perspective are neither "complicated" enough nor definitive (even if you are quite convinced that they are). if you are not within that group/community that your comment or your joke targets, it's simply not your call to make. anyway, to evaluate all of that comprehensively, to actually be able to say that you're seeing the complexity of an issue and getting the nuances, you'd have to have gained some deep understanding that only comes from lived experience as well as putting aside your ego and really listening, really empathizing. if you haven't done that and are not willing to start doing it... then you're propping up privilege. because, no, you cannot make a dehumanizing joke, hear people complaining about being hurt by it, ignore them, and yet still claim you're being clear-eyed and fair.

that's not how common human decency works. and it's not how feminism-that's-not-just-a-club works, either.

as holly said in a comment over @bitchphd:

There is one problem still, though. I don’t think either of you guys are trans. So I’m not sure where the deep level of trust required actually comes from here. Maybe you are embedded and in touch with trans people in your lives enough that it’s second nature, but even the most trans-connected allies I know would kind of think twice before making jokes about trans people between themselves. I mean, for a lot of people who are concerned about having and showing “good progressive politics” or whatever, they’re too uncomfortable to joke around with me, and I end up making all the jokes. But like… the Ann Coulter joke? Of course senses of humor differ, and it’s quite possible I’m not getting what’s so funny about it between the two of you. Even if one of my most trusted friends said that to me, I’d be like… “wait, what did you just say? Was that supposed to be funny?” It’s weird because it’s the same joke that totally clueless libuhral dudes have already been making for years about Ann Coulter, and everyone knows it’s not funny. I get that maybe “libuhral dude caricature goes a-teabaggin” is the schtick here, but the punchline is… exactly what real libuhral dudes say?” That is a very thinly sliced irony indeed.

we all know that the "there's nothing wrong with my hate speech/i didn't intend it like this, i intended it like this/you're offended because you don't have a sense of humor and don't get irony" line is one of the most pathetic arguments employed by anti-feminists -- and people in general who are not willing to look their own privilege and their own oppressive tactics in the face -- when called on offensive discourse. it is so, so sad to see it employed by someone who i know has criticized it before (and someone whose words i have appreciated before).

more about why that "joke" is not funny, how it's the type of thing that's part and parcel of hateful views that simply further oppression, in this post by piny.

like i said: VERY interesting lesson.